Grief, like many words in the English language can mean so many things.
We might get grief off someone for not staying out for just a little while longer, maybe your car's broken AC might cause you grief on a hot summer day, or you might come to grief during your final lap on Mario Kart due an inconvenient banana peel spill.
The type of grief i am talking about today is one that is experienced everyday by humankind.
This grief is defined by the Cambridge English Dictionary as;
noun very great sadness, especially at the death of someone: Her grief at her son's death was terrible. Newspapers should not intrude on people's private grief. newspaper pictures of grief-stricken relatives
This of course isn't limited just to the physical passing of one's consciousness from this earth but also the grief of losing someone in other ways. A family going through separation, best friends no longer speaking for any number of reasons, a loved one moving interstate or overseas. You may also grieve a life had before a loved ones (or even your own) illness, injury or life changing event.
Grief is a sad part of our emotional journey on this earth, however, it's a very important emotional response to loss that we all will experience so many times in life. It is also experienced in so many different ways, sometimes even by the same person experiencing grief.
I have realised (after a particularly grief filled period of my own life) that my experience with grief has actually been a gift. A gift I never wanted nor would consider giving to anyone else but all the same an important one that has impacted on me in more ways than I probably even realise.
Let me explain just some of the ways I have come to understand my grief as a gift and not just a horrible burden.
Firstly without experiencing loss I would never have realised how important it is to live in the moment. Cliche as it sounds, it didn't matter how many times someone more experienced in life told me this, I needed to learn this for myself to know what it meant to me as an individual.
By experiencing the loss of someone very close to me and feeling all the hurt, pain and distress I reflected on my own life differently. I never felt i was invincible. I got that everyday is a gift but at the same time I also had the mentality of what ever happens happens. As a result I lost a sense of control of my own life. In grieving I realised how important it is to take back control and ownership of who I am. I realised that I can and I need to care for my own health and mind because my loved ones still here deserve that and so do I. While we can't control our mortality we can control our thoughts, our actions and the way we live out our days. Grief allowed me to really comprehend that lesson.
Grief also gifted me the early realisation of things I probably would have eventually worked out but in all honestly most likely much later in my life. Things like what really is important to me, who I am as a person and how I can share that with the world. The fact that I need to look after my body and environment for the sake of myself and my loved ones. The
realisation that I don't need endless materialistic goods (because at the end of the day it's just stuff I'm going to be leaving behind on this earth).
Confession; as much as I now know i need to become more minimalist and severe the connection I made of make happiness=stuff I will admit I am struggling because I do love all the pretty things. Buy hey, change and not perfection right?
On a side note (but totally related) I have actually written before about what my life with chronic illness has taught me once I was able to overcome the fact that I was grieving my old healthy life.
That being said I can definitely say that a variety of grief has taught me a lot at quite an early stage of my life.
The greatest gift, however, is that of human connection.
Knowledge that I am not alone in my grief, that it is something that we all experience at different times and in different ways.
Realising that grief isn't exclusive to me and I don't have to hold it inside, allowing it to consume my every waking thought and even visit me in my dreams.
I don't need to hide that I am grieving because it's something we all need to be comfortable sharing. Bonding over grief with others close to me, and even strangers, have been some of the most touching and real moments of my life so far.
We just all need to remember that although others may not share our specific loss that grief is a chapter (or multiple chapters) in everyone journey. It might not look the same or feel as bad as ours, but through our experiences with grief we can share special moments of raw human interaction with others.
The recent death of retired NBA star Kobe Bryant (along with a number of other people who were in the same accident including his 13 year old daughter Gianna) has highlighted the communal mourning of a celebrity and grief that can be shared by a community as a whole. The continued outpouring of tributes and love for the deceased and the loved ones left behind illustrates just how much grief of ultimately a total stranger can have impact on us.
It has shown the ability to bring strangers together because it is something that we are all capable of feeling and relate to.
To me this social connection has been the ultimate gift. My own experience with grief has shown me that although this huge world can feel so disconnected by oceans, languages, beliefs, customs and so on, underneath it all we are all humans who at multiple stages of our lives grieve in our own ways. Grief can make us feel so alone at times but at the exact same time we feel as though our heart is breaking millions of other people in this world are experiencing it too. Making me realise that no ones grief is special, no ones grief is stronger or harder, no one grieves less or more than anyone else. It can't be measured or even fully explained but we all experience it and that means we are never alone.
Finally to finish in the wise words of Dolly Parton,
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
...and who doesn't like a pretty rainbow?
xo Jess
Disclaimer: If you are feeling your grief is too much please consider asking for help.
Grieving is hard and it can have major impacts on both or physical and mental health.
I haven't really touched on that side of things in this post because it was about what positives I personally have been able to take from my own experiences. I have not come to these realisations on my own or overnight. It has been a long journey with guidance from family, friends and professionals. A journey I am still continuing on and quite honestly probably always will be on. Your health is important please look after it.